Poisonous Words
by Two Dollar x Song
Summary: the love story between a certain pink haired witch and a werewolf. Can she endure all that comes with him? Told from Half Blood Prince through Deathly Hallows. M for later? REVIEW, PLEASE!
1. Poison

**Author's Note: I do not own Harry Potter, Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin, or anything that JK Rowling created. Unfortunately. :**

When I first told him, he actually took a step away from me. I felt the tears spring into my eyes immediately, and when I turned away to cover up the hurt, he melted. "Dora," He said softly.

"What?" I snapped. I didn't want his pity. I turned my back on him, and concentrated on breathing. It was stupid of me to come out and say it in the first place, even after he made me laugh, and I confided in him...he was my cousin's best friend. He had known me when I was young; he had watched me cry when Sirius died. He had cried with me, to be frank. But bloody hell! It was the dumbest thing I had done in my entire life to tell him how I felt, because he had said a million times that he couldn't attach himself to anyone, and he frequently felt terrible about not talking to Harry enough. I surrounded myself in my misery, and blocked out the world. That is, until I felt his arms around me.

I turned around suddenly, nearly smacking him in the face. "Dora," He said, a faint smile appearing on his face. "You know that I -"

"Remus," I said sternly. "I love you."

That familiar look of indecision washed over his face. He stammered. "You don't really want me to – er, I mean, Dora – you can't honestly expect me to -"

I shut him up with a kiss. It was everything I expected it to be. He audibly groaned, and pulled me closer to him. All of sudden, he couldn't control himself: his hands were in my bright pink hair, slipping down onto my waist, and inside my robes. To be under Remus's touch sent shivers up my spine...until he froze, silent, afraid, and stony. "Dora..." he said warningly. "I've talked to you about this before..."

"Remus, will you answer one question for me?"

His hands were still about my waist. "What?"

It took all of my strength not to run away from him at this moment; I was so afraid of his answer. "Do you love me?"

He didn't answer for a long while. I was ready to apologize for my stupidity, and ask him to never mention the incident to anyone, when in a hardly audible voice, he whispered hoarsely. "More than you could ever know..."

The tears returned to my eyes, but now in the form of liquid happiness. A bright smile arrived on his face, and he wiped the tears off of my cheeks with his thumbs. "Oh, Dora. I love you."

That was all I really needed.

--

A familiar face appeared in my feverish nightmare. He reached out for me, and I took his hand gladly. I was mystified by the curious expression on his face when he spoke. "Tonks,"

"Sirius!"

Harry was next to me.

"No," I insisted firmly. It was a dream: I already knew it had to be. "Harry...no!" It was a repeat, this dream, I knew. I had already had it a million times since he had died, but it circled around me, engulfing me again. Harry rushed forward to his godfather, just in time for his eyes to go blood red, and his skin turn a nasty gray. "Avada Kedavra," He said calmly, and Harry fell to the ground, emerald eyes gaping with surprise and fright. Sirius's face turned ghastly as a malicious grin snaked it's way onto his face. "Nyyyymmphhaaadooorraaaaa!!!" He taunted.

"YOU ARE NOT SIRIUS BLACK!" I screamed. But he the darkness was closing in on me, and then a face appeared next to me out of the black.

"Nymphie," jeered the cool, semi-sweet voice of my aunt. "Nymphie, don't be frightened...it's just your dear Auntie Bella..."

I tried to close my eyes, but they wouldn't close. I couldn't move: the demon Sirius, now resembling Lord Voldemort more than ever, and Bellatrix were closer to me than ever. Every cell in my body shrieked with terror. "No! No!" I screamed.

"Oh, dear," Clucked Bellatrix. "No need to be scared. No use resisting either...they're all gone, Nymphie. Sirius...Harry...Ron...Hermione...Madeye," She added with extra relish.

Voldemort Sirius grinned. "Don't forget...Bella...?" He tempted.

"You're filthy muggle born father...and you're disgusting mother..."

"And...?"

"Oh! And of course!"

I saw the name appear on her lips before the sound could even escape. Tears were flowing from my eyes faster and faster; I couldn't control myself. "NO! You didn't! YOU'RE LYING!" I roared through my tears.

"REMUS LUPIN! THE WEREWOLF!" She cackled deviously as f aux Sirius fell to his knees with laughter. "YOU'RE DEAR LITTLE WOLFY IS GONE FOREVER! NYMPHIE, CAN YOU HEAR ME? NYMPHIIIIEEE!!!"

"Dora?" Of course, I was not on the terrifying endless ocean of black that was in my head. I was lying in bed. I tried to even my breath and stop the tears from flowing out of my eyes before even trying to locate the voice. Then the dream caught up with me, the echoing of Bellatrix's voice still in my ears. Fresh tears came to life, and I sat up quickly, glancing around the little room of the tiny flat. My worries fell apart quickly, as he sat up next to me. "You alright?"

"Yeh," I lied. _At least he's alive. At least he's alive._

Remus leaned forward farther. He looked at me. "Merlin's beard, you look awful!"

"That's just what I need to hear, thanks," I tried not to smile, even though I knew it was his goal. He moved only slightly, placing two fingers on my face, and moving me slightly closer to him, but it still took my breath away. And even under the lightest of kisses, I could have died of happiness.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He wanted to talk about the dream. He always did. He thought it would help. I didn't.

Bitting my lip, I shook my head, and tried not to think about the dream. I tried to think about the night before. I tried to think about Remus in my bed, but the tears still threatened. "Remus," I spoke, finally, when we were getting dressed.

"What, love?"

"Promise me you'll never leave me alone."

"Of course," he said, after a moment of hesitation. I wanted to believe him. But as always, I saw the pain behind his eyes. I knew that he was about to disappear again, like he always did after he felt he was too close to me.

"I love you," Poisonous words.

**Just a first attempt. More chapters to come.**

**This is my favorite ship, I swear. **

**REVIEW?**


	2. An Evening With The Parents

**Yet again, I don't own any of this stuff.**

I remember my mother being extra-careful with me. I remember that she honestly wouldn't let me out of her sight, not just because I was her first child, but because, in her words "You never know when you're Aunt Bella will come for a visit!"

This always confused me. Why wouldn't I want my aunt to come visit? I asked mother. She ensured me that the last thing I wanted was for Aunt Bellatrix to come visit her and dad.

My mother still treats me that way when I go to her house. I knew it was a mistake to come. I knew she would ask about Remus. "How's work?" she asked, as soon as I was inside, taking off my cloak.

"Alright," I responded shakily. I didn't tell her of the few days before, when I had taken Harry Potter into Hogwarts. I didn't tell her of the condition of his nose. I also tried not to let any small bit of emotion into the one word, so as not to notify poor Andromeda Tonks of the condition of my heart.

"Hello, Dora!" My heart gave a small, involuntary leap. But it was just Dad. It was stupid that of all other people to call me Dora, it was Dad and Remus.

Mum poured tea and we all tried to relax, but I sensed the strange silence setting around the table. I had not been home in a long while, since before Remus had left. As Remus entered my mind (silly to say, because he never left, just jogged closer and closer to my concentration until there was nothing but him filling up in my head and I was clumsier than usual, and I got odd looks), my hand tightened into a tight fist. I could feel the letter in my pocket.

_Nymphadora,_

_I'm sorry I cannot say more, as I would very much like to sit down and write you a long letter containing each little bit of my life since I last saw you...but I don't have the time or the trust of the owling system. I'm sorry that I can't inform you of where I am, or what I am doing...all business that doesn't belong in a letter besides, as I am sure you know. On another note, I heard there was some sort of scuffle involving Harry when he arrived at Hogwarts. Please write back as soon as you can telling me what happened. _

_Thank you,_

_-Moony_

What the hell is wrong with him, besides? From the formal tone of his letter, you would never know that the night before he disapeared on "Order Business" he had sat in my room, in my flat, holding me his arms. You would never know that we had spent the night together! You would never know of his "promise" to never leave me alone. Obviously, he didn't understand the severity of my dreams. They were getting steadily worse, with Harry turning into the snake Nagini, and I can hear Remus yelling my name, but I can't bloody well do anything can I, because it's a dream besides! And even if it was real, which I assume at some point, it will be, how can I find him? He never tells me where he is, or when he'll next show up at my flat, trying not to come near me with excuses about attachment, when I think he knows by the end of the night, or by the next morning, it will be the same it always is. I don't understand him...I don't understand how he could love me and act this way towards me at the same time. He claims it's all for "protection."

It's all a load of grade-A horseshit, though.

What I suppose he doesn't understand is that the biggest nightmare for me isn't being tortured to death by the dark lord himself! A much more frightening thought for me is Remus being killed. He, of course, always thinks of me first, even if it means pain and suffering on my behalf. Which, in turn, does not put my best interest forward! HE IS MY BEST INTEREST! That's what it comes down to.

...now it would be wonderful if he would just realize it.

"Nymphadora?"

"Yes, mum?" _I will not think about Remus. I will not think about Remus. I will not think about Remus. I will not think about Remus _(all this was unsuccessful, as I nearly answered "Remus" to her question if I wanted more tea.)

They excused me from the conversation. I listened half-heartedly to my parents discussing something in The Prophet, something that happened at the Ministry, etc. I excused myself to use the W.C., but I paused outside the door. Being the parents they were, I knew I would catch them talking about something I was not intended to hear.

"What'dyou suppose...?"

"Her hair...it's..brown!"

"You don't suppose it's..."

They conversation fell into silence for a moment. "It's that Lupin fellow," said my father threateningly. I had to restrain myself not to chuckle at my father's overprotective nature. "What's he done this time?"

Those words had an icy shock with them. This time. My parents had seen me like this because of him before, before I had admitted to him how I felt. Now it was as if I was at square one. What would I do if he came back? Go back to addressing him as "Lupin" as he addressed me as "Nymphadora"  
? Nothing could be worse, of that I was sure. I closed my eyes and slumped against the wall. What torture it was just to be away from him.

--

Bag in hand, I kissed my mother on her cheeks. "Mum, I have to be going – Madeye wants me in to work early tomorrow and -"

"Alright, alright," responded my mother. Her deep blue, caring eyes prodded into me. She was waiting for me to come out and confess everything, letting her know exactly why I was upset and what could remedy it. What was I, a teenager? I mean, sure, I loved my mum and all, but some things were better kept between two people..._if one of them will ever show the hell back up._

My way home was tedious, as I had to travel several blocks before being out of view of a muggle to disaparate. But then I was at the door of my flat. The usual anticipation rushed through my body, but I crushed it back down, reassuring myself that he would not be there. I was just getting my hopes up. Sure enough, the flat was dark. I sighed, and dropped my things onto the floor. What was the point in cleaning up if it was only me, I admitted to myself darkly.

It was already late, and I didn't want to stay up any later to think about anything, so I quickly changed into my pajamas and got into my twin bed. As always, it felt empty without him. Pushing all of my pillows and blankets to one corner of the bed, I stared at the place where he used to lie. Then, feeling the desperation of missing him, I got up, took a sleeping potion and went back to bed. I will not think.

--

"CONSTANT VIGALENCE!" Of course, Dream-Madeye was the one who yelled it at me, but all the same, I was fully awake, and suddenly aware that someone had just entered my flat. I jerked up, grabbing my wand from my bedside table. The figure approached my door, and I could see that the person also had their wand drawn out.

Several things happened at once. Remus Lupin whispered "Lumos,"

I shouted, unaware that it was him, "STUPEFY!"

And in the moment that the pale white light from his spell, and the bright red from my curse hit his face, my hair blossomed from brown to a vivacious red. He crashed backwards into the wall, and started to laugh. "Madeye has taught you well,"

"Jesus Christ, Remus, I'm sorry!" I bent down next to him after turning on the lights. Was I going to start hyperventilating, for god's sake? He's only a man. Well, alright, he's part wolf. He's only a man/wolf! That's it! He has no power over me, for the love of god! "Are you alright?"

"Fine," He muttered. We stared at each other for a full minute, as I didn't seem to have a dumb thing to say him. I saw the nasty cuts on his arm, and as a question about his whereabouts bubbled up into my throat, his hands moved to my face, and he pulled me in to kiss him. And me, being the embarrassing creature I am, started to sob.

"I've m-missed you s-so much, R-remus..."

I saw the grimace on his face; I knew he wished I hadn't. Had he missed me, though? He certainly wasn't showing it. "C'mon," He said, standing up. "You've got to go back to sleep,"

"Your pajamas are still in the wardrobe," I added absentmindedly. He chuckled, and I started to drift back to sleep, not letting myself completely go until I knew he was in bed with me. When I felt him get into the bed, I turned to look at him. "Did you miss me?"

He just pulled me closer to him. "I'm glad to be in this bed again."

**ooo! Review, please, I will continue this story soon. I wrote this whole chapter in two sittings, one last night at midnight, the other this morning. **


	3. Pajamas

**Thanks thanks thanks for the reviews! **

**I don't own anything from Harry Potter.**

**Chapter three...**

I didn't have any nightmares that night. When I awoke, Remus was still asleep. I took advantage of the opportunity and snuggled closer to him, burying my face in the front of his shirt. He smelled like freedom and life, and there was no question that I could have stayed in that one position all day. He was muttering to himself in his sleep, mostly nonsense that I couldn't make out. Occasionally, a clear word or two would make it in, little snippets into his mind. "Not...Dora," He said, shocking me into glancing up at his face to confirm that he was still asleep. There were times that I doubted he had any feelings for me at all...the way he could shamelessly hurt me by leaving for so long, or the way that he wouldn't come out and admit straight feelings for me: always weaving the ideas into physical motions, or implying them in simple little quips. Hearing him talking about me in his dreams was a stroke of luck; I knew that I would use it against him in one way or another, the next time he tried to leave. "Kill me instead," He mumbled urgently. I stayed stone-still, hoping not to wake him. I now understood why he always wanted to talk about the dreams...he wanted confirmation that he wasn't alone, dreaming of the worst possible outcome of the Dark Lord. I knew how I would feel if I was in his situation, and not wanting him to endure it any longer, I sat up.

"Remus," His eyes opened slowly. "Bad dream?" I asked casually.

For a long moment, he didn't respond, just sat up. We faced each other, and I saw the hint of tears in his eyes. I imagined that he was thinking: at least she's alive, at least she's alive, at least she's alive, like I did the last time we woke up together. Still, his expression was hard to classify. Slowly, he reached out, and tucked a strand of bright blue hair behind my ear. "I like pink better," He said softly. I smiled, and he smiled, and everything seemed alright for a moment, like we were any ordinary couple. "So...what happened with Harry?"

I let loose a loud sigh. "It was nothing, Remus...he was being...Harry, and, well, you know bad things happen when Harry is being Harry."

I was ready to let the whole thing drop, because I wanted his hands on my face again, and his lips against my lips, but he still looked concerned. "Anything serious?"

"As far as I gathered, he was just spying, and he got his face stepped on...alright?" Since he wasn't taking charge, I did, and leaned down to kiss him. He was unresponsive. "What?" I asked when I leaned away.

"I'm sorry I was gone for so long."

"Me too. Why did you have to go so suddenly?"

"Dora, you know that this was a bad idea. I can't attach myself to you. You don't want to be with someone like me, anyhow." He looked miserable.

I groaned. "Ok, I could say that you're right,"

Now he looked more miserable, and surprised. "What?"

"I don't want to be with _someone like you_...I want to be with _you_," Remus tried to hide the relief wash across his face. "Listen, I love you, ok? The more you run away, the more it hurts me. If you are staying away for 'protection' I suggest you rethink things because you being gone hurts me more than Crucio ever could,"

"I'd make you an outcast," He said feebly, trying to keep some argument alive.

"I have pink hair, Remus. Do you think I care about funny glances?"

The distraught look on his face pained me. "You say that now...but how will you feel when we can't be seen in public? When we can't leave your flat? When the ministry is trying to find me for something Greyback did?"

"I'll feel that it's a pity, but I'll be ok with it, because if I'm in public, I won't be with you, and if I leave my flat, you won't come, and the ministry can bite me because I love you, Remus, for god's sake!" Then I let loose weeks full of emotion, and lunged at him, kissing him with such force, that he let loose a small yelp inside my mouth.

I was worried that he would push me away, but the opposite appealed. He fumbled with the buttons on my pajama shirt, and kissed my neck and collar bone with tenderness. In a twist of emotion, he looked finally desperate and completely serious. "I love you, Dora...I only want what's best for you,"

And with the first thrust, I cried out, but Remus was there, and the pain faded away behind all of the other feelings that were coursing through my veins in those moments. This was it – I was the closest a person could be to another person. I was confident that I would never love any other person like I loved Remus. The truth was, he could kill me now, use the dreaded killing curse, and I would die with the thought that I wished he didn't do it, he doesn't belong in Azkaban...

So I whispered the truth into his skin, "You...You are what's best for me...you have to believe me,"

When he collapsed next to me, I wouldn't let go of his hand. It was childish, wanting to hold his hand like that, but it was all I could think of to keep him from leaving. I knew he would cherish the memory, but always regret it, thinking that I was regretting it. Of course, I never would.

We lay in silence, his thumb running up and down the side of my hand. Then he whispered the most perfect words I had heard in my entire life. "I don't know how I could ever leave again..."

At least this time, he kept his promise for a while. A week or so later, I came home to my flat to find a letter on the kitchen table. This one, at least, was more sensitive than the last letter.

_Dora,_

_I'm sorry to rush off like this. I told you that I couldn't bring myself to leave again, and trust me, if this was up to me at all, I would have stayed, and right as you read this, you would be in my arms, and I would never let go. Dumbledore came today while you were at the Ministry. He's informed me that many of...my kind have sided with Voldemort; I am needed to almost literally go underground and become a spy. I am the only one "truly equipped" for the job..._

_I miss you already. And while I doubt I am truly what is best for you, I will be back soon. I'm afraid that I won't be able to write you while I am away...does it help that you'll never leave my mind? I love you._

_Love,_

_Remus_

I crumpled the letter in my hands, contemplating exactly how I was going to survive the next couple of weeks without him. It was the beginning of October, and out the window of my flat, I could see leaves beginning to change colors. Mother always said the Autumn is a season of change, and Spring is a season of Birth. I would have given anything to keep the change from coming. I was suddenly furious at Dumbledore for taking him away from me, right when he was finally accepting that I would not be happy without him.

I blinked back the tears, pulled on my cloak, and left my flat. I didn't know where I was going until I was in the Leaky Cauldron. As I entered Diagon Alley, and I hurried down the street quickly to the area right next to Ollivander's. I remembered the first time I ever saw Remus Lupin, when we had bumped into each other right at this spot. I was a fifth year when it happened. He immediately recognized me as Ted Tonk's kid. "Who're you?" I asked fiercely. This was my Fierce Stage, when my hair was jet back and so was my attitude.

"Oh -" he extended his hand. "Remus Lupin. I...I knew your cousin really well."

I narrowed my eyes. Here he was, in Diagon Alley. That meant he had to be referring to the wizarding side of my family...and I knew none of that side at all. "Cousin?"

"Sirius Black." He stated matter-of-factly. "You know...the mass-murderer. In Azkaban."

Here I was, so many years later. Everything had changed so drastically since I was an innocent, goth 15-year-old. I had met my famous cousin, and I had watched him die. I had met the Boy Who Lived, and I had seen the return of He Who Must Not Be Named. I had gotten a whole new family in The Order Of the Phoenix.

Then it dawned on me where I belonged at that very moment. Not in my tiny flat, all by myself. I squeezed my eyes shut, and disaparated from Ollivander's. When I opened my eyes again, I was in front of The Burrow. Tired, and quite restless, I knocked on the back door. "Molly? Can I come in?"

**So, this Chapter was really fun to write. **

**PLEASE keep reviewing. I've gotten over 200 viewings, and only 4 reviews. **

**Thank you thank you thank you to my dedicated readers who have favorited me and put me on alert lists. THANK YOU!**

**-Two Dollar x Song**

**AKA**

**Anna**


	4. Molly and James's arguements

**thanks for the reviews.**

**honestly, all of your support keeps me going.**

**now then, for this chapter, I thought I would try something a little different. From a different perspective, perhaps?**

My name is Remus John Lupin, and I have never met anyone in my entire life who can fuck things up like I can. I've made more mistakes than just about anyone in the world; falling in love with Nymphadora Tonks currently sits at number one, however. My kind aren't meant to fall in love, and even if, by some freak chance, we let our guards down and we are stuck by cupid's bow, we don't _do_ anything about it, do we? If I had any sense at all, I would have shot her down. I wouldn't have let her kiss me. I would have gone away for good, instead of always ending up back at her flat, with her in my arms, my heart about to explode because she is in my arms, and guilt pouring down on me like icy water because my heart is about to explode. I am a terrible person, if you even want to call me a person. I know how this will end. I've heard the stories before, and I have enough insight to see that I will either make her hate me by leaving her (which will make me hate myself even more, actually), or I will cave, and marry her, and by doing that, I will single-handedly destroy her life.

What exactly does one recommend I do in such a situation? It's like I'm choosing how to kill her. How exactly do you choose how to kill the woman you love? I know she says that she wouldn't mind being an outcast, but I know, I can just tell that one day she'll resent me, which is, for me, a fate worse than death. I have the wand in my hand down; I'm aiming it at her throat. What do I choose? Avada Kedavera, for quick, and virtually painless, or Crucio slowly torturing her into insanity, while I stand by, regretting every second?

_"Tonks?" Sirius raised an eyebrow at me. This was the first moment we'd had alone together since Harry had arrived at Grimmauld Place. It was by no means the best timing, but all the same, my best mate had a right to know. "Honestly, Moony? My cousin, Tonks?"_

_"Dora," I mumbled under my breath. But of course, Sirius had no knowledge of the friendship I had with Nymphadora Tonks. He didn't know that I called her Dora, while she had taken to calling me Moony, just as he did. "Yes."_

_"Well, mate, that's bloody ridiculous. She's what, half your age?"_

_"Yeah, rub it in, why don't you?" I asked fiercely, not wanting to add that I had done the math, and she was NOT half my age. "Not to mention I'm a werewolf. Forgetting that important little factor? I can kill her easily? Just one little mistake, Sirius – and she, she could be doomed to this life! Don't you think I've thought about all of this already? Besides, Sirius – she's...she would never return the feelings!" My brain was working faster now. "It's nothing, besides. I shouldn't have even brought it up -"_

_"No, you should have. Because she's my cousin, and the closest thing I have to family." He was obviously leaving out Bellatrix and the Malfoys. "Listen, mate...I think you're wrong."_

_"What?"_

_"She would never return the feelings," He scoffed. "I think I know my cousin."_

It has been exactly two months and twenty days since I have seen her. Of course, not a day goes by (not a second, actually, but we won't get into that) that I don't wonder what color her hair is, where she is, how she's holding up, and if she hates me yet. To be fair, I never told her I would be gone so long. Today, it's snowing, as it should be, considering it's December 20th. When I knocked on the door at The Burrow, I felt the guilt in the pit of my stomach because I came here first, and she doesn't even know if I'm alive.

Well, until she's the one who opens the door, that is. Her look of happiness is gone completely, and all of sudden, I'm the one who's happy...it's like I stole it from her. "Hello, Remus," She said in a stony voice, letting me in. Before I had time to say a word to her, or even to touch her hand, like I have dreamt of doing for two months and twenty days, Fred and George dragged me inside, and Molly was forcing food at me. I'd forgotten what being in the Weasley house was like. "Thanks for having me over, Molly...I have to go," Dora kissed Molly on both cheeks, and started to wrap a scarf around her neck.

"Tonks, dear, won't you stay for Christmas?" I was shot a sideways glance that chilled me to the bone.

"No, I mean – I already have a tree set up in my flat and everything! Besides, you have so many people here already...I really have to go -"

"Tonks!" Was that honestly my voice? Why did it feel like I was a bloody fifth year all over again? I cleared my throat. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" Before she had a chance to respond, I dragged her outside, where it was still snowing. I saw Harry and Ron appear in a window, followed by Hermione and Ginny. I swallowed, and looked back at Dora, who looked furious.

"You're back." She noted scornfully.

"Yes." I didn't feel comfortable talking to her when I knew Molly was watching us from the kitchen window. "Can we...go somewhere? To talk?"

"No." She said curtly. "Remus...I...did you honestly think I was going to be just fine with it when you came back? You could have come to see me once, couldn't you? Or just a little message that says 'Don't worry, I'm not dead'"

"I know I've just been -"

"You always have an excuse." I noticed that her hair was black. I hadn't seen her with black hair since she was fifteen years old. "Remus, I'm tired of this. If you honestly cared enough – Dumbledore would have been FINE with it if you had come back. Just for a minute. Just so I wouldn't worry! You were around Greyback, for god's sake! It's his fault that -" Her breath came quicker. "I just -"

"Dora, please. Stay for Christmas..." I ignored all of the people in the burrow and took her into my arms. She pushed me away, and I saw tears in her eyes.

"I can't – you don't understand, Remus. I've put my emotions on the line so many times! What do you want me to do? Be available so when you feel like it, you can see me? Is that why you want me to stay? So you can fuck me and then pack up, no guilt?"

She was being unfair. "Honestly, Dora, you know that I -"

"I don't want to hear it. I have to go, now. I'll have a lovely Christmas by myself. Goodbye, _Lupin_."

I never thought the sound of my last name could hurt me so much.

Molly wasn't supportive at all. She sat down across the table from me, when she finally decided to talk to me, on Christmas Eve. She slid a cup of tea across the table. "Remus. We have to talk about Nymphadora."

I fought the urge to correct her; tell her to call Dora Tonks. "Alright." For the second time in such a four days, I felt like a child. I had sincerely thought I was past the stage in my life when I got lectures. "What about her?"

"Do you have any idea what you're doing?"

I chose not to answer.

"Remus..." she lowered her voice to a whisper. "Are you aware that Nymphadora is in love with you?"

I delayed answering, but Molly looked at me with such ferocious eyes that I thought she might attack me. "Yes." Her eyes then prompted me. "What do you want me to say, Molly? That I love her? I don't mean to sound rude, but how is this your business?"

"The poor girl came here the day you left. She comes almost every day, you know. We all care about her, you know. We don't want her heartbroken. I also wouldn't mind seeing her with pink hair again, to be honest." Molly sipped her tea and raised her eyebrows at me.

"I don't want to talk about this. I am a grown man." I stood up, and walked to the window, looking at the footprints she had left four days earlier.

"Remus will you be reasonable -"

"No."

"If you don't return her feelings, it sounds as though you've been leading her on." She clucked.

"I'm not – I mean, I wouldn't..."

"Remus..."

I spun around to face her. "Of course I bloody love her," I hissed. "Molly, I can't do this to her, don't you understand that?"

"You can't do what, exactly?"

I sighed loudly. "I can't make her miserable."  
Molly frowned. "Haven't you already?"

I had another one of my dreams that night. James sat next to me. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing, mate?"

"I'm trying to keep her safe, Prongs."

"You sound like me," He laughed.

"What?"

"You remember how I was at first with Lily? I didn't want to get involved with her because I was ashamed," he paused, thinking about the next words "I was ashamed of all of the bad things I had done. Particularly to Severus."

"It's different." I said defiantly.

James smiled thinly. "Is it really? Are you sure you actually think she'd be miserable? Do you honestly think she'd come to hate you? Moony, this girl is in love with you, and whether you like it or not, you are in love with her. Are you perfectly sure that you aren't just ashamed of what you are? You told me, in seventh year, that you were ashamed you had 'dragged all of us down.' Aren't you just thinking the same thing with her?"

I had to be extra-careful not to call Harry James the next morning.

**(And there it is. A chapter from Lupin. More to come REALLY soon...because I can't seem to stop myself from writing...haha. REVIEW, PLEASE!)**


	5. The Idea, and Bellatrix

**How many times can I say thanks to my reviewers? At least a couple more. Thanks!!!**

**Chapter Five...**

**The song used below is not mine. It's Single Girls by Laura Jansen. Look it up. It's truly fantastic. Listen to Soljah, also. If I had a way to use it, I would. I might, actually...hmm...**

**-----++-----**

The words were coming easier to me now. The tears were falling faster. I walked away from The Burrow, leaving Remus behind me.

_I think you'd like my new hair_

_I cut it when you weren't there_

_And pieces of us everywhere were falling down_

_My bed is now girl's bed_

_pink flowers under my head_

_and pillows on your side instead of you_

_'cos that's what single girls do._

_Don't think about you._

But what exactly did I expect to happen? As soon as I was back in my flat, I collapsed because the sight of him is enough to shake me to the ground. He could kill me with an ill-favored glance, I swear. I had used his last name with him! What if he took me too seriously, and didn't come to my flat, to try to reason with me! What if this was the end!

_I'm reading books on meditation_

_Praying for my heart's salvation_

_I've got the motivation_

_to be a free girl now_

_I've gone drinking with the guy down the hall_

_put up a new color on my bare walls_

_I'm so damn busy_

_after all_

I waited six days. In that time, I had only left my bed once or twice. I had cried so much that my pillow seemed eternally damp, and my eyes were sore from the effort of summoning up more tears. He came in quietly and although I knew it was him, I stayed facing the wall, wanting him to see the state he had put me in. "Dora?" He asked nervously. The flat was dark, all of the shades were closed. It was understandable that he couldn't see where I was. Still I didn't say a word. I heard him come into my room. I heard him take a breath. "Dora." Finally, I turned over and stared at him. He had snow in his hair – was it still snowing? I had no idea. There was nothing I would have loved more than to have him around me, on me, beside me, but my pride was fighting against him. He kneeled next to my bed. "You know I thought this would happen," he said in a whisper.

"What?" I whispered back. This was ridiculous. Why were we whispering?

"I've...I've not been the best of people do you Dora and -"

"What did you think would happen?" I interrupted. I saw what was happening. I wanted to stop him as soon as I could...this was just another excuse for him to pack up and leave, feeling guilty, but not so guilty, because he didn't have to 'worry about me' anymore.

He wasn't looking at me. He was staring at the ground. "I didn't want you to come to hate me, Dora,"

Why why why why did he have to say my name at the end of almost every sentence? Why did my name sound so good coming from his voice? I could feel my legs shaking underneath my blankets because of his voice. This could not be normal. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you, Remus."

"I'm sorry," His voice sounded gravely. "I should have come to see you. I'm just so afraid, Dora. I'm afraid for you,"

"For chrissake, Remus, I can take care of myself. Just because I'm in love with a werewolf doesn't mean I'm going to be gored to death. Give me a little credit!"

He looked up at me, finally, and smiled. "I know. That wasn't what I was referring to, actually,"

I sat up and slid down to the floor so we were sitting next to each other. "Ok. What's are so afraid of?"

"It's going to sound ridiculous," He mumbled.

I raised my eyebrows at him. "Tell me."

"You've seen what the Boggart turns into when it finds me, of course..."

"The moon,"

"It's changed." He sounded sheepish. Frightened. Ashamed. I was getting more and more curious by the second.

"What is it?"

"You..." he started. He wouldn't meet my eye.

Good god. Honestly? "You're afraid of me?"

"You didn't let me finish." He mumbled the last couple of words into the palm of his hand. I strained to hear him. "You...dead. Or, in my more selfish days, you with another man."

We sat in silence for a long moment as I worked the information through my mind. Of course, it didn't sound ridiculous to me at all; it was the same way I felt about him. Then he reached out and took my hand. It was the most simple gesture in the world, but strangely comforting to me. "I love you," I said in the softest voice in the world. "It's insane to think that I could ever hate you. You just have to understand how hard it is for me when you disappear, and I don't know where you are, or when I'll see you again."

"I do understand. What I honestly don't understand is how you can be so sure you'd be prepared for a lifestyle with me. I don't think you're considering everything." I flopped my head over onto his shoulder. He turned slightly to look at me, but so that my head could stay in its natural pillow. "You're hair."

It was pink. "Yeah. Consider that for a second. Why do you think it's pink?"

His laugh was like bells ringing on a crisp autumn morning. It sounded like happiness. "You're going to be the death of me."

I grunted. "I'll be back. I need to go take a shower. I smell." I stated matter-of-factly, as I got up, and walked to the bathroom, I could tell that he hadn't even noticed.

While I was cleaning myself, an idea dawned upon me. It was a devilish idea in reality, but it seemed truly logical to me at the time. I never thought about his reaction: actually, I thought he would like the idea just as much as I did. I thought he would be eager to prove his love for me; as eager as I was for him. When I stepped back into my room, clad in nothing but a bathrobe, and sparkling the sparkle of a clean girl in love, I didn't see him. Confused, I took a step, and was abruptly tackled, thrown onto the bed, and pinned down. "You know," He said. "You," Kiss. "Are," Kiss. "Not," Kiss. "A," Kiss. "Very," Kiss. "Good Auror."  
This time, I held him where he was, keeping his lips against mine. His hands ran up my sides, and back, and finally made their way to my wet hair, that turned from bright pink and rainbow in his fingers.

----++----

"Nymphadora!" Growled my mentor.

"Tonks," I corrected him for the fifth time that morning. His eye swiveled madly and he grimaced at me. We hurried along a corridor in the Ministry, walking as fast as Mad-Eye's leg would carry him. The two of us had just been informed of a situation developing in Scotland, and with Kingsley already on the scene, we were the next two up to bat.

I was still thinking about last night, and it was hard for me to concentrate on anything, let alone the Death Eaters attacking a small muggle village. The idea was still in my mind, as if it had been written on my brain with a hot needle. The words ran over my tongue again and again, and I had been mumbling since I arrived at work that morning, making Moody watch me with extra suspicion. I had assured him several times that "I am Nymphadora Tonks. Do you want proof?" My hair would blossom into long, straight, vibrantly green locks and he would nod gruffly and turn away, only to go back to suspecting foul play ten minutes later.

"Either way," Muttered Mad-eye, "Whatever your name is, meet me out front, I've got some business to take care before we leave,"

I had learned never to ask Mad-Eye about his 'Business to take care of.' I hurriedly threw on my cloak, and my hand flew to my waist, where my wand was stored in its sheath. Just above it, on my side, there was a small love bite who's origins I cared not to share with anyone but the creator. My thoughts once again flew away from the task at hand, and to my bed. _Damn it all._

He had tried to keep me in bed this morning. He had taken hold of my waist and pulled me right back into bed, where I fit into his body so perfectly, and his arms locked around me like a cage. I had wiggled around to face him, a million excuses for Moody running through my head. Nonetheless, "Remus, I've got to go to work today."

He buried his head into my collarbone. "No, you don't."

I giggled despite myself. I whispered with the most sincerity, "I'll be home soon, I promise..."

He pulled me close to him and kissed me so softly that I nearly caved in. But then, in that angelic voice, he mumbled. "Fine. I'll miss you."

And here I was, waiting in the rain for Moody. When he finally appeared, giving me the nod of approval, I disapparated. The moment I arrived on the hill, I knew I should have stayed home. My dearest aunt's eyes widened as she saw me. Her eyes darted from Kingsley, to me, and to a girl cowering behind a gravestone. We were in a cemetery...I began to process who the girl was, as I walked slowly towards Kingsley. "What the hell?" I asked, as Moody appeared several feet away.

"As far as I can see, she knows things,"

"Things? What the hell is that supposed to -"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Shrieked my Aunt. I dived out of the way just in time to see the green light zap a tree to pieces. She was laughing. That crazy bitch was laughing as the girl bust into wailing sobs.

"You get the girl," I hissed at Kingsley. He nodded gruffly, and got to my feet, examining my Aunt's crazed expression. "What?" I asked her, taunting. "Do you think you're going to kill me this time? You're about as successful as Voldemort trying to kill Harry,"

Her eyes grew fierce, and she shot yet another curse at me, which I narrowly avoided. Kingsley was nearly by the girl when Bellatrix spun around. "You – The Dark Lord wishes you to be disposed of...CRUCIO!"

Kingsley fell to the ground, and I noticed Moody was gone. What the hell? "STUPEFY!" I roared, sending Bellatrix backwards into the marble door of a tomb. Before Kinglsey and I could make another move, the girl screamed.

"THE SNAKE! YOU HAVE TO KILL THE SNAKE! IT'S -" She was silenced by a jet of green light.

_Fuck it._

_----++----_

**There you have it: Chapter V. I'm not too happy with the girl knowing about the Horcruxes, but I think it's kind of neccesary to get the effect.**

**Anyway.**

**I'm sorry, but my chapters will be coming out more slowley because of school and homework...but they will keep coming!**

**Thanks!**

**Two dollar x song**


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